Dear Megan,
I just finished my walk. I did it, not this morning, but after my temple shift. The whole shift, I felt such a weight and so many feelings. Heavy heavy stuff. I told God all the things. Repeatedly. The stress of the whole house selling thing is just something else. When I think of all the heavy of the year, and there’s been a lot (sickness, surgeries, Corban stuff, Megan leaving, Ian marrying, Ryan not marrying) it’s interesting how all of those things are super heavy but so differently super heavy. Now, the house. The move. The buyers. And now we’re not just leaving the house, but the furniture too. My one year old furniture. It’s just furniture, but it’s also just a house and it’s also just a view and it’s just, just, just. But it’s not just just. These things, and giving them up (unexpectedly) represents to me the ache of change. I fell like a locomotive going at top speed then running off the track onto thin ice while being screamed at to go the opposite direction. It seems like an impossible ask. My spirit screams about it and feels out of control. But I’m getting through, by the grace and power of Christ. I’m back on track and moving okay, and then something else comes along and I start over. Just when I feel like I can go a little faster on the tracks than 15 miles an hour, just as I get the momentum of being okay and moving forward, something covers the tracks with thick freezing ice again, like now we won’t have furniture when we move AND we’re not getting the price we wanted. And we don’t have an official paper offer on the table so the whole thing could not even happen, phew! Lots of ice. And it's everywhere. Even if the house doesn’t sell and we get to keep the furniture, the amount of money we’re paying to sell the house is … I can’t even go there. So if the house doesn’t sell, and we have to take it off the market… I can’t go there either. So either way, my world is feeling pretty out of control.
Which is everything I was sort of panic-praying about at the temple during my shift today. Megan, when I let myself shut-up for a second (sorry, bad word) :) I can hear God. He’s okay with me ranting to Him. I felt that the whole time. “Let it out. Tell me everything. I know how you're feeling already, but there’s nobody better than me to spill your heart to.” And Megan, I did. I told him my fears. My sads, my hopes, my worries, my anger, my comparisons, I laid it all out to Him. I hid the whole four-hour conversation (rant session) behind a smile as I served patron after patron in the temple.
And then I came home.
I remembered that I had planned to go on my walk. It’s a beautiful sunshiny day, not even 80 degrees. I started Follow Him in the shower this morning, so naturally, I continued it on my walk. How sweet that it’s our cute friend, Steven Sharp Nelson. And Megan, how sacred an experience it was to listen to him on my walk after everything I spilled to God during my shift. It’s like He stood beside me and listened and when I got home, through Steve, He took His turn to talk to me. I was almost home when I had the thought that I needed to share with you some of the things that he said that touched my soul and buoyed me back up again.
So, here it is: (He’s presenting on the Psalms)
- If you're going to gather Israel and share the Gospel of Jesus Christ, the more you know Psalms, the better off you're going to be. The Psalms and the hymns can become part of the way you think. They're like good friends. You meet a terrible situation and they guide you through it. It becomes part of your spiritual vocabulary, your inner dialogue.
- How many of us have rehash browns for breakfast? When we are rehashing something we said the day before or something that we said long ago, or didn't say. And we berate ourselves. We negate our progress. I don't know how many thousands of experiences on the stage, I’ve had such a large percentage of those that have come with a woulda, shoulda, coulda. I tell you one instance in particular that almost broke me. I woke up the next morning and the adversary was already elbow dropping me. I mean, this was spiritual WWF. Satan had gathered a tag team and they were tagging in and they were elbow dropping me. I was so suffocated by, "You are the worst speaker. You have never made an impact." It was so bad. The adversary knew that this is a chink in my armor, so he totally exploited it, which he will do with you too. Be aware of that and watch for it. Don't be surprised by it. He was pouncing on me with more ferocity than I had seen in many instances. All I could do is roll over in bed and get into the fetal position on my knees. In bed. And I cried out. I said, "God, I can't take this. It is too much.” Then I thought of Psalms 55:22.
Music comes to us in moments when we need a balm. And that Psalms says, "cast your burdens on me." Cast your burdens on me. Do it. Throw them on me. Whatever you can do. And in
that instance, I said, "Jesus, take this from me. I'm casting it on you." And it was so cool, you guys. It didn't go away entirely, but I felt a hundred times lighter. And instantaneously, I felt the power of Jesus Christ and his atoning grace come upon me and chase away my demons because they could not have power over me anymore because I cried out for Jesus. If you are stuck in a situation where the
adversary has you in a headlock, cry out for Jesus and cast it upon him. He has overcome it already, and so he can help you overcome it.
- Nobody can do the work that God has for you to do, except you. He has given you unique gifts, unique personality traits, unique experiences, unique failures, and unique weaknesses that will make you strong in your work. The worst thing you can do is try to do somebody else's work out of comparison because their work looks more fun or more challenging or more praiseworthy or whatever it may be. Focus on your work and go to God and ask him to open up the majesty as a Psalmist would, to open up the majesty of this symphony that he is composing alongside of you. Your life is a grand symphony with largos and laments and ritardandos, accelerandos, and majestic cadences, but it's a grand finish, but you cannot have that grand finish without the abysmal dissonance and the moments of absolute abject despondence. We have to have valleys for these peaks to work. I tell you, the symphony that God is writing with you, if you could step back and listen, wow, you would be so amazed.
But remember, that symphony is your work and your work alone.
- What is your art? It could be anything from cooking to relationships, to service, to whatever. Don't limit it to artistry. Artistry and creativity are related, but they're not to be conflated. They're different. Beethoven says, "We cannot just practice our art. We need to force our way into its secrets, and then it will raise us to the divine.”
Why is this? Because we are naturally creative beings. We are born creative. And as Picasso said, every child is an artist until they get handed a report card. We should always consider ourselves creative. Why? Because your heavenly parents are creative and you are their child.
C.S. Lewis says, we don't belong in time. It's not our natural habitat. We're a fish out of water. God is not a being of time as we understand it here. This is why creativity is the most underutilized, underestimated treatment for our own burnout and mental illness. But it has a caveat. It cannot be creativity for the sake of being posted, graded, or sold. That is admirable, and it's a wonderful pursuit. Not to negate that in your life, but if you want the true healing balm and burnout antidote and mental wellness treatment that comes from pure creativity, you need to be like John Bytheway, who’s watercoloring because he loses track of time and he loves it.
If you feel burned out, if you feel that you're doing the dance steps and not hearing the music in the gospel or in any aspect of your life or are being thrust upon by all of the wiles of the devil or are struggling in a world that is meant for you to struggle in, try pure creativity in your life. But not for the intent of being posted, graded, or sold. It has to be a want.You'll be closer to God because you are being divine.
- When I was 16 years old, I was asked to play at a very peer reviewed, illustrious event that had a lot of gravitas to it. And I played a Fauré Élégie, which is very challenging on the cello, emotionally, technically. And I didn't play it super well. My dad, who was such a benevolent person, came up to me afterwards. I said, "Dad, how did I do?" And he said, “Son, I felt like I was every part of every mistake you made." And I said, "What do you mean?" He's like, "I don't want to disparage you, but every mistake was written on your face and you pulled me into it. Instead of being lifted, I felt pulled down with you.”
From that moment on, I decided that instead of grimacing and exhibiting my mistakes, which we often do in life, I will smile every time I make a mistake. And that's why I smile a lot. It has elevated my performance. It has elevated my relationships, and it's elevated my relationship with God and my relationship with myself. But I've also discovered that instead of dwelling on my weaknesses, I can transcend to another level and be in touch with the divine in me and be elevated to be with God as I'm performing and be co-creators with him in the performance of each of the notes that I’m playing. It's this eternally significant experience that occurs because I become purely creative. All of a sudden, I'm not doing it fearing I’ll make mistakes. I'm doing it to praise God.
- I always say a prayer before I go out. And we say a prayer before we perform as The Piano Guys. And the reference point of this is 2 Nephi 32:9. It's the, we will pray that he will consecrate our performance. But what is the end result? It's for the welfare of thy soul not to be graded, posted, or sold. So that's critical to understand. I can't pray that I’m going to be really good. I can't pray that I'm going to impress people because that's not what 32:9 tells me to do. 32:9 is before you do anything unto the Lord, pray unto Him that He will consecrate thy performance for the welfare of thy soul. And by extension, the welfare of the souls that are around.
- C.S. Lewis said that we're as a fish in water wondering where all the water is. We're swimming around in it and we're wondering, when do I see the water? If you had any idea how much the Spirit was guiding you already, if you had any idea!
We ask the question too often, is that me or the Spirit? I love that Elder Bednar says, stop worrying about it. And I love that Sister Eubank says, "Hey, guess what? It's both.” I love that answer.
Let's take our focus off of the, is that me or the Spirit? And instead ask, "Is that me or the adversary?” Why aren't we asking that more often? When awful self-doubt, crushing self-hate, and crushing negativity, and crushing negative self-talk hits us, why aren't we asking, "Is that me or the adversary?" If you suffer from negative self-talk, stop asking, "Is that me or the Spirit?" And start asking, "Is that me or the adversary?" It's a life changer.
- Either you're in commotion or you're in motion, you decide. If you're sitting still waiting for God to tell you what to do, you're in commotion, not in motion. I find that revelation comes when I'm in motion, not in commotion. I often say, stop me prayers instead of start me prayers. That's the difference. God, I'm going to do this. Stop me if it's wrong. Rather than, Hey, God, I'm going to do this. Start me. And then nothing happens. So I'm in the process, I'm in motion. And he places a packet. This is the critical point. He places a packet just far enough away for me to exercise faith to look for it and to get to it. But not far enough away that I lose my way. Look for the packets that could be in a person, place, or a thing. And you look for it with intensity, with expectation, like you're expecting miracles as
President Nelson insists on.
If you look for the packets, they will come. Elder Scott describes this term. He's coined this phrase and I love it. He calls them packets of life, but think of them as physical packets that are dropped from heaven with a parachute.
- It's not my job to multiply the loaves and fishes. I just bring the loaves and fishes. And some days are crummy days where all you can bring is crumbs. And you know what? Jesus can multiply crumbs. So when The Chosen portrays the loaves and fishes, this boy whose name Telemachus comes. And I love his interaction with Jesus when he brings the loaves and fishes. He says, "It's not much. That's all I have.” How many times have I said that to Jesus? It's not much.
And you know what Jesus says? "No, no. I can do a lot with this.” This is the definition of The Piano Guys. It's four dorky dads from Utah showing up. I mean, for heaven's sakes, we make classically influenced music videos in nature, and somehow we're surviving on the internet. I mean, who could have called that? That's a miracle. We didn’t bring much, but Jesus said, "That's good. I can do a lot with that." And he could do that with all of us because when we find ourself in the work that he has for us to do, miracles happen. And magnification happens, and the two and the five become thousands.
- D&C 123:17, memorize that scripture. It is such an underrated scripture. "Therefore, dearly beloved sisters and brothers, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power.” All things that lie in our power, not outside. "And then may we stand still. With what? The utmost assurance. To see the salvation of God and for his arm to be revealed." Make no mistake. Psalm 46 is about trust. Far more than it is about moving or not moving. If you cheerfully do all things that lie in your power, and cheerfully's hard sometimes, but do your best. Cheerfully do all things that lie in your power, you may have the utmost assurance that his arm is going to be revealed.
- The temple is about covenants, but we misunderstand the temple as being an obligatory perfunctory thing in order to covenant. We misunderstand it to be a place of covenants, and maybe even more so, appreciate it as a place of connection. Connection with Christ. I love this.
I saw this on social media the other day. This girl was in prayer and she says, "God, I want to talk.” And God replies, "Okay, sounds great. Your house or mine?” And she goes, "Your house.” And I love that. I love thinking about it that way. "God, we need to talk, your house or mine?" Jesus wants to spend time with you there. "I want to be best friends. I want you to trust me. I want you to have faith that I've overcome the world and that I can overcome anything that is trying to overwhelm you. When you feel overwhelmed, come to me because I've overcome it already. Let's spend time together so that I can help you understand that.”
Megan, do you see how, when I came home from my temple shift with a heart full of casting on Christ my every care, listening to this podcast was God answering me? And comforting and guiding me through every concern I had during my temple shift? How incredible is that! I was bawling the whole 65 minute walk! Haha! I came home and said, “Andy, we need to go to the temple. Let’s go tonight.” We didn’t (we were waiting for a call from the realtor but didn’t know what time), but we’re going tonight, and I can’t wait.
You know those packets that he said Elder Scott talked about? Well, I already told you about the lady who introduced herself last Sunday in RS and how I was almost positive she’s the one buying our house (she is the gal, my realtor confirmed the name as the ones on the offer.)
We listed our house at $1.615 mil, and they offered only $1.45mil. WHAT? So we countered with $1.59 mil. They countered at $1.47 mil. Holy cow, they didn’t seem serious at all. So Dad said to them, “Look, when you’re ready to come to the table with something serious, let us know. They came up to $1.55 mil and want us to throw in our furniture with that price. (I messaged you about this earlier in the week a little bit.)
I have so many thoughts and emotions about the whole thing, but I feel like it’s a packet from God. We’ll be okay. But we wanted to come away with $400K (after the sale and the purchase of a new house) left to invest. The houses in a price range that would allow for that are painfully inadequate. And now, on top of the lower offer, we have to dip into our left overs to buy new furniture (which we’d buy mostly secondhand, except we want to replace our Purple mattresses.) The Mastersons are coming to our home again on Saturday with both their realtor and ours to mark all the furniture they want to keep. Literally they’re going shopping for furniture in our home. It’s such a strange and unwelcome feeling. I can’t describe how sad and off-putting it is.
I feel like, and this is my mortal-can’t-see-into-the-
With the utmost assurance. That’s the part I need to pray for God to grace me with. I need to trust that He absolutely has us and will multiply and consecrate our efforts for our good. For my good. He has a plan for us. Just like He has a plan for the Mastersons.
I love Him. I feel Him. He’s so sweet that He’s understanding of me. He’s not telling me I’m a lamebrain for feeling all the feels. I feel Him saying, “I know. It’s hard when you’re on that mortal veil side of things, but I promise, it’s all so good. I promise things will be better than you could have ever imagined. You’re feeling all the things and yet you’re doing what’s right and I’m proud of you. It’s hard, it’s painful. A mortality experience that you’re growing from.”
Corban is in Orderville from yesterday afternoon until Saturday night. And so that’s fun for him. I’ve noticed how much he loves to snuggle. We watched Spiderman Homecoming on Wednesday night, and he sat nestled in my arm the whole time and with Dad. He’s been discouraged about his batting lately and feels like he’s cursed (his words, not mine). Dad gave him a blessing. It was sweet. I told him he used to play to have fun, and now he’s getting stuck in the weeds of performing for others. (Like Steve said.) Please pray for him to just love the game and play for the sake of that love rather than performing for the coaches and onlookers.
On Monday, when we came home from Corban’s game together, we saw Dee Dee mowing her lawn. It was so heartbreaking. Corban went over there, still in his ball uniform, and took over for her. She offered him a job to do it every week and he told her she didn’t need to pay him. She insisted and he said, “Well, I won’t turn down pay if you want to pay me.” And so I was glad that at least he tried not to take pay. He said it was weird because he was willing to do it just as service but thought he'd heard us say it was rude to insist on not taking pay when it was offered by friends. So, he thought it was the nice thing to do to let her pay him. I have to believe since his heart was in the right place and that he was led by the Spirit.
Ian and Mary got back on Tuesday from their trip to the Tetons. Ian called me on their way home. He’s such a dutiful son. They had a lot of fun. And when I told them (they were on speaker) that after we got the offer on the house, I wondered about Mary’s mom’s sister-in-law because I didn’t know if she’d had a chance to see it. (I reached out to Becky, and she said that her sister-in-law decided she didn’t want to be that far north in Highland and that it’s too windy here haha!) And Ian said too, “I don’t want her to have our house, Mom. She’s not a very nice lady.” Mary didn’t disagree. I was relieved. Also, the lady never came to see it and now she’s back in Seattle anyway. Simply put, it’s not her house. She’s missing out. I love it here. And so will the Mastersons.
Ryan is just as darling as ever. He’s pretty stressed this week because his animation is due today. I think they have a spillover day, so Saturday night is the super latest they can get it in. He’s pretty lonely. Megan, it’s time for the boy to find his girl. So, I’ve been praying for her to walk into his life this semester and that he’ll invite her in.
Misheel Odgeral and Mason Bailey were sealed in the Payson Temple on Wednesday. It was so nice to go to that. It turns out that one of Ariuna’s friends works on my temple shift with me. Chimka Hansen. So, she and her husband hung out with me so I wasn’t all alone there, and it was a sweet thing to be there and spend a little time with Ariuna. She’s going to be here till the 22, so she and I will get together before then sometime and catch up. Misheel was beautiful!
On the way to church last Sunday, Ryan and Cheri were leaving together, when Cheri backed into the garage door. She didn’t know it was still down. She wasn’t going very fast, but it did some damage. The garage door is cracked. Luckily it’s not visible from the outside of the garage, but it couldn’t have happened at a more silly time since the house is sort of not ours anymore. She felt bad and ended up leaving after sacrament meeting to lament. Andy and I told her after church it’s fine. She doesn’t have to think we’re mad at her. She said she feels bad that she’s the cause of any pain or problems when we already have so much going on. It was sweet of her. She offered to pay for it, but I think we’re selling the house as is, so it’s probably going to stay cracked until the Mastersons decide to see it and care. Haha!
Dylan Beachene gave his farewell talk last Sunday. It was so sweet and humble. He’s such a good kid! Will gave his homecoming talk afterward, but he had the "missionary talk" and it was so distracting it dampened the power of his talk. I voice memoed them and will send you Dylan’s. It was super sweet and vulnerable.
We set up an appointment for Corban to get an endoscopy. He’s terrified. Pray for him. It’s schedule for August 20. Also, I had fun hanging out with him on Tuesday. We chatted and got ready for bed together and he had me write in my journal in his room while he read his scriptures. I’ve noticed that Corban loves to be loved. He loves physical touch and closeness and playfulness and chatting. He’s a quality time guy through and through. The other day, after he had a not great practice, he was driving us home and said, “Mom, I need a hug from you so bad.” He got that hug. A long warm hug. And he got one the next day and next too. He’s a special kid. And I loved how on Sunday last week, he did an antic with Brynlee and Ryan that I hadn’t seen him do in years, where he talks in a high pitched voice sort of and says, “Oh, Brynlee, you’re such a good dog. I love you so much.” I can’t describe what he did very well, but it was an old Corban thing that made me so happy. He caught himself being his old self and withdrew back to cool again. But Corban is trying to make a comeback and it brings me such joy!
I love you sweet girl. I can’t wait to hear all about your temple time this morning and your first full week at the MTC. This letter is so LONG! But I can’t end without telling you how grateful I am (we all are) for your prayers this week. I felt them. I felt you. I can’t explain it, but I knew that God was answering your prayers for us over and over again. Thank you! And CJ’s letter this morning was beautiful. He’s such a good boy. That boy loves God so much! And he’s sensitive to His spirit. I’m so proud of him. Please pray that his passport gets to the MTC before you guys leave for Romania. It'd be sad for him not to get to fly out with his district.
Love,
Momma
PS, this is part 2 because I sent the other one too quickly to edit and it’s kind of a mess. Haha! My computer battery was about to die and I sent it in panic mode. BUT since you already have those photos, I’m not sending those again. Instead, I’m going to send the talk I promised. I know you won’t have a lot of time to listen but maybe it’ll let you read the transcript instead (who knows how accurate it is with audio translation haha! I hope attaching it works.)
I love you, Megan! Soooo much!
pics from first one below:
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